This is something I have written to go in my book. Please only read this if you are mentally stable enough to cope, as the contents may cause you to self harm.

May 2005

On the Edge of the Abyss
It is night and the kids, and my husband are asleep.  The night is cool and dark, perfect sleeping weather, but here I am lying next to my darling feeling so alone.  The hole I have sunk into is deep, much worse than I had ever been in before.  I am past caring, just numb.  I am the cause of all the is wrong in this little family of mine.  I am always so irritable with the kids and embarrass them so easily. If I kill myself right now, I think that my actions will release my kids and husband from my constant screwing up of their lives.

 I have been looking for the best way to kill myself for months now, the current favourite being slitting my wrists.  I have to remember to cut the veins the right way, or they will just be able to sew me up again.  Increasingly I catch myself idly running the tip of knives up my arm; and images within my brain, of warm blood flowing down from my wounds, releasing the pressure and pain within me.  I have not yet pierced my skin but it scares me how close I am to killing myself whilst seemingly on autopilot.  This wave overrides any sense or logic in my thoughts.
 This sounds all very self indulgent or selfish; but I just cannot live like this any longer and tonight I have never felt lower.  It is as if I am hovering over the edge of some great abyss. I am loved I know that, but it is not enough, it does not take away this pain.   How is it possible to feel this way in the middle of a loving family, a wonderful spouse sleeping beside you? 

Up until this point in time, I have only said to him that I want to die, but always put in the caveat that I would not do anything about it.  So right now it is crunch time,  I can either get up and go to the kitchen and get that knife, or I can roll over, wake him up.  I can tell him I am losing control of my sanity second by second. 

I wake him up saying I cannot promise I won’t hurt myself anymore.  Naturally, like any sane person he is shocked, and holds me close in an attempt to comfort me.  I in turn snuffle my face into his chest hair and breathing in the safe smell of his body so I can feel something, anything; but I am too numb.  I cannot even cry.  He gets me to promise that I won’t do anything tonight, and says we will both go to the doctor tomorrow and try and sort out this ‘business’ as he calls it.
At doctors the next day we stay talking to the GP for about an hour and finally as I tell her how desperate I am, I begin to cry and cry and cry. The GP is brilliant and she puts me on to anti-depressants, and then makes bi-weekly bulk billed appointments for the next couple of months.  However, strangely, the anti-depressants do not work, and if anything, I am worse.  My anxiety levels go higher and I begin waking up during the night with panic attacks.  The GP then refers me to the local Mental Health clinic and for the first time in my life, bi polar disorder is mentioned as a probably diagnoses.  Finally, I have a name for this illness that has threatened me for so long, and so begins my journey to recovery.  
         

    During that time I  had heaps of ups and downs.  I did not find a medication regime that suited my particular needs. I tried to be better to myself, more selfish, more assertive, though my success at that really depended on the day.  I still cycled regularly between manic and depressive moods, sometimes in the same hour.  I still got the feeling I needed to cut myself, not that I actually did it, but the need is sometimes overwhelming.  You get so full of fear, not sadness.  You feel like a freak and your body seems out of control. The panic attacks can be so bad, your hands claw up towards your wrists and you want to die. I still hate leaving the house, so I guess being there eases my panic.

Today my DD15 and I went to the sports day for my nieces.  Both girls go to a little school which has only 38 students and today was the Interschool sports day for all such small schools in the area.  The girls both got ribbons with the elder girl simply flying down the straight, coming from behind to win the relay for her school.  Their school didn't come first, but even so, a great time was had by all.

I found it very hard to go to sleep last night. I am still in a manic mood and sleep is hard to come by with them.  I have been racing around taxi-ing not only my kids, but my sisters and now I have just stopped and want a rest.  I hope I can sleep tonight and sleep without the weird dreams I have been having.  You name it, I have dreamt it. Last night's was centred around a mental aslyum and considering I have never been to one my imagination dreamt up a good one.  I even put my own surreal twist to it and put in a love story between the main characters, one of which I think was me except I looked like Audrey Hepburn!  You would think I would wake up at this point wouldn't you? But no it seems my brain is quite happy putting two and two together and getting five.  Who needs illicit drugs to space out when the legal ones do it so much better!

Seriously though I have been getting quite a few side effects from the new drug regime.  Nothing that will put me off taking the pills, as the mental benefit has been wonderful; but enough for me to take note and not want to increase the dosages.  Being on the high side of normal functioning is something I always prefer than being depressed.  I just have to make sure I don't go too high and develope psychosis or any other manic tendancy.  There is enough noise around me without me having voices going off inside of my head as well.

It is official. When I went to the doctors the other day, I had put on 6 kilos of weight in 3 weeks!!! The zyprexa is playing havoc with my appetite and what I do eat is put onto my body super efficiently. I know it helps my head, but this extra weight is killing me. I am actually looking forward to the lap band surgery in order to feel full and not be challenged by my recent constant hunger.

Tonight we are having a kind of Beef Casserole I have made up.  It has a chopped up blade roast in it which I browned before putting the meat in a deep dish. I then added a jar of passata (italian tomato juice-y sauce), then a couple of handfuls of mushrooms, an onion, and then a big spoon of vegetable stock powder.  I have put it in the oven at around 190 degrees celcius and will let it cook for about 2 hours to make sure the meat tenderises.  That is also when the hoards with be home from soccer practice.  The meat will then have some sour cream stirred through it and it will be served with creamy mashed spuds and green beans. 

Tommorrow is pay day, please God let the tax money have come through.  I have layby all the Christmas presents and I would like to pay a few off.  Also there is going to be a Transport Drivers strike next week, and I would like to be able to stock up on tinned, packaged and frozen goods in preparation for it.  Milk as well.  Must go and mash the spuds and watch the news in complete and utter peace.  jo.

Hi everyone,

Well, there have been some gray, overcast days here weather-wise, but I am feeling ok.  I had a couple of days being 'out of sorts' after my long manic period ended, but nothing too depressed. The new medication regime is still being fine tuned however; this week the Doc and I decided to reduce the anti-depressant as it seemed to be influencing my manic mood by raising it too high. The Zyprexa dose has also been increased 2.5mg to 7.5 and the Epilim left at 1700mg.  I have still got high blood pressure, so I have another pill for that as well. Its a wonder I don't jingle when I walk!

I have been reading a couple of books on bi polar this week in my research for my book.  One is by Penelope and Jessica Rowe.  Jessica is a newsreader and was actually on the 'Sunrise' programme this morning talking about her mother Penelope and her battle with bi-polar.  It makes sobering reading and has shown me how far medical professional has come in their treatment of this disease.  Penelope has had to endure terrible hospitalisations over the years, and the book tells of some of the extreme measures her doctor has had to resort to, in order to stabilise her condition. If you go to the "Sunrise" website you can read a blog entry there from Jessica as well as other info about bi polar disorder.

I am fully immersed in my writing at the moment.  Not only am I getting my former blog posts ready to put into book form, I have also won the right to be the correspondant from my town in the local newspaper.  I am very proud and have already submitted a piece as well as a book review.  I get paid around 10 cents a word, which is around the normal range, but I don't care really about that.  I am so pleased that someone wants to pay me for something I love doing.

My sons are absolutely driving me insane.  They have bought themselves a Playstation 2 and since then have played it incessantly.  As it is set up in the lounge room it is loud or if isn't they are.  So now I have just cracked the biggest whammy and made them put it in their room.  I figure they were safer there because if I heard the theme from the Athen's Olympics ONE MORE TIME, I swear I am going to CRACK Argh.........!

I had better go now.  My sister and her girls are coming for dinner and I haven't started it yet.  It is going to be satay chicken with vegetables, all served with basmati rice.

Bye, jo

If you think life is busy, try writing a book on top of everything else you do!  My life is very full at the moment.  I have to get 60 pages up to scratch and because I am on limited caffeine because of the operation, I am a bit sleepy with only one cup of coffee a day. It is exciting though being able to just sit down and write as it is something I enjoy immensely.

Many thanks Max for your helpful tips and links.  I have followed all of them up and they look helpful.  I tried to call you at home today to thankyou personlly, but there was no answer. Maybe you are still away on your trip.

The parents will have arrived in Switzerland now and hopefully are enjoying themselves.  They were quite tearful towards the end and were definitely not looking forward to going.  The long plane trips put them off travel as Dad's knee and back were hurting and of course Mum hates flying at the best of times.  But the travel at the end should be worth it.

Nothing much else happenning. It is grey, wet and cold; just the weather for staying inside, but in 1 hour I will be out in it taking the boys to soccer. Well I will be if no. 1 son gets his act together and does the washing up.  It is his turn and now with less than an hour to go he is still on his bed playing x-box.  Urgh!!!!!

Mood-wise I had a real downer yesterday, but I am back to nearly normal today. Also could not get to sleep last night which has been caused I think by the fact thatI have decreased the mania medicine too soon.  More mixing around the stuff is in the offing I think.  But things aren't too bad.  That's all for now.  jo.

The weather here is drizzly, and it is cold to boot.  But I don't mind, it is great weather to do some writing whilst listening to the radio. Later on I might even take to my bed and burrow under the doona and read the growing pile of books and magazines that I keep getting from the libaray and not finding time to read.  Such is the life of this SAHM. 

I am going well so far on cutting down on my caffeine in preparation for my surgery next month.  This week I have to cut my intake by half, then next week half again and finally zero.  After that I have to follow an Optislim diet for 3 weeks until I have the surgery on the 18th of August.  The diet is to shrink my liver so it isn't so hard for the surgeon to get to my stomach.  It is also to get rid of the fat from within the liver as well. 

I don't know how I will go on a diet of 3 meal replacements per day, plus limited veges and fruit; as I hate artificial sweeteners at the best of times.  Anyway I have ordered the soup and the bars in at the chemist in preparation.  It is only 3 weeks in my life, so I will grin and bear it.  The afters part of the operation sounds easy in comparison to me, at least you get to eat real food.

The parents left yesterday for their big tour in Europe and the USA.  I miss them already and it is 4 weeks or so until they return on the 22nd of August.  But I know that they will have fun, so that cheers me. 

Mood wise I am really good.  Still a bit manic but that's ok still.  It gives me energy to do stuff and I don't really need an afternoon sleep either which means I am sleeping better at night.  I stopped taking the metformin with the zyprexa, as I was getting the shakes each lunchtime and craving sugery foods.  I am not getting the urge to eat a whole box of cereal now, so I guess I was right to discontinue the metformin.

My book writing is going well Max.  I have thousands and thousands of words at my disposal thanks to this blog.  It is an interesting experience too, and if no body buys it, it won't matter because I will have done something great.  My kids and extended family will benefit anyway. I am presently listening to "The Book Show" on the ABC's Radio National; who knows maybe one day you might hear me on there! But I am getting away with myself here, suffiet to say I am enjoying the process of writing this book and watch this space in the next year or so for the actual birth of it.

cheers for now, jo.

Hi Everyone,

Yes well as you can see by the title of this blog, another big thing is about to happen in my life.  I have decided to have Lap Band surgery.  I am booked in for the 18th of August and the past week has been a  busy one getting ready for it all.  It is a multi-stage process with visits to the dietician, psychologist, surgeon etc.  It is also expensive, but with my weight going up hugely in the past couple of weeks since starting the new mood stabiliser, it is something I have to do, or face an early death.

This new development in my life has made me feel more in control of my life.  I feel confident that I am doing the right thing as well. I know it will be hard until I get used to a new lifestyle of only eating an entree sized meal for the rest of my life, but NOT being 140kg plus will be the payoff.

My other news is that I got a credit for my uni subject. The marks came out today.  I am please with this result.  I did the best I could and I passed with flying colours.  What more can you ask of yourself?  I am enrolled in a subject about literature from the so-called 'romantic' period of English lit.  I will be studying Mary Shelly's "Frankenstein" and Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice."  I have read the second and am not really looking forward to the first.  I hate any sort of horror stuff.  But we shall see how it all goes.

Everything else is normal around here.  School started again for my youngest boy.  The other two had a pupil free day, but both went to work instead.  Thanks for checking in and having a read.  Jo.

How to eat more vegies

by Cathy Johnson

Getting more vegies into your day isn't as hard as you think.  We're always being told to eat more vegies. They help ward off heart attacks and strokes they're good for your eyes, strengthen your bones, keep your waistline in check and probably protect against certain cancers too. But around half of all Australians don't get enough of them.

Is it really mission impossible to get more greens into your day?

Actually, there's an array of colours and varieties. We've come a long way from bland and tasteless overcooked cabbage!

The key to eating more vegies is to slip them into meals whenever you can. Add chopped mushrooms and carrots to a pasta sauce. Stir leafy greens like rocket into mashed potato. And learn to love stir fries. They're a great way to pack in more vegetables.

Don't shy away from frozen vegies. These days, they're mostly snap frozen close to where they're picked and often contain more nutrients than the ones you buy fresh.

As long as your freezer's really cold – around minus 18 degrees Celcius is best – frozen veg will keep their nutrients for a year. In contrast, some fresh greens can lose up to half their vitamin C after just a week in your fridge.

Even tinned vegies are a healthy option so long as there isn't added salt. And there's no rule that says you can't eat vegies at breakfast. Try sautéed mushrooms instead of bacon with your eggs, or pile spinach and cooked tomato on ricotta on your toast.

All up, aim for five serves a day – that's the minimum recommended for good health. A serve is half a cup of cooked veg or one cup of salad.

Another simple rule of thumb is to fill half to two thirds of your plate with vegies at both lunch and dinner. And the more colourful your plate the better. And no, filling your plate with hot chips doesn't count! For one thing they're almost certainly fried in unhealthy fats.

But more to the point, it's variety that's really important, because what makes one type of vegie healthy might be different from the next. The more kinds you eat, the broader the health benefits.

(from the ABC radio health newsletter)

Thanks to Coles supermarket for filming assistance.

Hi Everyone,

I have had a busy week, with the show, school holidays etc but have finally found time to sit down and update my  blog. 

I am feeling so good.  Just a touch manic, but hey I'm not complaining.  I get more done when I'm manic, it gives me more energy.  This morning I have been up at Big W laybying presents for Christmas for all the nephews and nieces.  Big W has no deposit layby and you don't have to pick it up until Christmas.  I also laybyed heaps of books that were discounted as well.  Let's hope the tax return is a good one this year and can pay for all of this!!!!! 

We went to the show on Monday afternoon/night. It was great, and must take heaps of hours and volunteers to get it that way.  There was misty rain, and it was very cold, ut the turnout was excellent, and the exhibits and everything were wonderful as well.   My daughter didn't get a place with her floral  arrangment but then we found out that she was competing against florists with years of experience, so she didn't take it hard.

Both of my older kids are working heaps of hours during the school holidays.  They are earning lots of money, some of which we will see in fuel money, but most will go to saving. Well, let's hoping ;) I am quite sure that the show took a bit of it though!

The youngest boy is a bit of a whizz at shooting. I don't know how he got so good, as we don't own guns, he must just have the knack.  My DH shoots quite well though, having learnt whilst on Patrol boats in the RAN and taught our kids, but they only shoot at the annual show.  Whatever it was, it resulted in armfuls of toys, won totally by my DS, thats all I know.

The weather fined up two days after the show, (isn't that always the way) and we are now having cool, clear days and nights again.  Definitely brass monkey weather now, Max!  This house has no insulation and is made all of wood.  I wouldn't be surprised if the wind comes up through the cracks in the floor boards.  We don't really mind, though an open fire would be nice), we just dress warmly and add more blankets to the bed. 

Molly the dog has taken to wearing her fleecy coat all day and night.  It keeps not only her bare little tummy warm,  but all the around her round little torso as well.  At present she is fast asleep curled up under a blanket.  She burrows into them like she is digging into soil, then lifts them up with her nose and slides underneath.  Sometimes you can see just her black little nose poking out, at others nothing is displayed as she is fully under.  I don't know how she manages to breathe under there then. 

The cats are all outside sunbathing at the moment.  They have selected a warm spot where no wind can get at them, and have made little beds in the hay in my herb bed where they can sleep all day.  In my next life I want to come back as a pet in this household I can tell you!

So that is what my life has entailed for the last whatever it is since I was here.  Except that I am working hard to put together a book using my blog posts.  It will be a Mental Illness Survival Handbook.  So if anyone has anything suggestions or hint just put them in the comments section of my blog.  Nothing stupid or insulting or negative or frankly I will just get really shitty and insulting back.  I am a creature to be feared when I am just a little manic afterall! LOL

Cheers, Jo.

In acknowledgement of International Women’s Day March 2008, the Premier, the Honourable Anna Bligh MP and the Minister for Main Roads and Local Government, the Honourable Warren Pitt MP, announced the Rural Women’s Symposium, an annual event over three years commencing in Roma in August 2008.

The theme of the 2008 Rural Women’s Symposium is:

“Liveability” – A Woman’s View.

The symposium aims to: Explore what features of the rural community attract and retain women to/in rural Queensland.
Develop ideas to create solutions to inform projects and initiatives that which will support the revitalisation of rural communities through the attraction and retention of women.
Provide supportive information towards the development of a new directions statement for the Office for Women.

Well,  here I am! 

 I am back.... sort of.  You know you were right Max, I couldn't stay away.  I just love to write and my  blog is my outlet for this. But I had to do something,  the old style of the blog was hampering my recovery a bit.

 All those experiences are a little too raw for me to go back into time and time again.  I really wanted to draw the 'line in the sand' so to speak; experiences over the past couple of years that many of you have shared with me in intimate detail and on a daily basis at times.  So I said goodbye, with the best of intentions of deleting my blog. 

But I couldn't do it...!  Not 2 years worth of writing almost daily about my life.  So what I have done it radically culled it.  I have saved it all in a Word document that I will edit some day. (and publish in that book we have discussed Max.)

Now that I am feeling more confident and stable, I want to go on with another sort of blog.  One that is all me, not just the bi polar me.  It is only one part of me I can see that now.  So hence the new blog title and the new look. 

I will stay as "sunflowermum' until I think of an alternative name, and until then I have left the last 20 blog posts from the "Sunflowermum" blog so that they can be of help to any latecomers.  I have also left the information, recipe, and joke blog posts.

The latest news from here is that tommorrow is the start of the annual Atherton Show.  We will all be going.  I am taking my youngest son and his mate along with my Grandma, in the afternoon.  We will check out all the pavillions and then watch a bit of the action in the middle of the show ring. 

After that I will take them all home for dinner. My Grandma will then stay home and watch the fireworks from her window, My husband and I will take the boys out again that night.  The day pass will cover us for all of this.   And you know what, it will be bloody freezing..!!! 

The weather has turned wet, it is already cold.  So now it will be drizzly and cold.  Luckily I have a new mitten, scarf and beany set in a lovely soft pink yarn to keep me warm.  I would have loved a new set of boots, but that will have to wait until after the tax return comes back.

My daughter has entered  the flower arranging section of the show.  Her entry is in the 'twists and turns' section.  We shall find out tommorrow morning how she did.  It is her first competition so hopefully she at least gets a place or an encouragement award.  That would be good for her confidence.  I will take a photo and put it up here.

That is all my news for now.  cheers..

Hi Everyone,

How are you all today?  I am good. The weather has fined up from yesterday. Today we are getting intermittant showers instead of constant drizzle.. Can't believe we had resorted to using the sprinkler on the garden on Saturday.  Isn't it the way, you water the garden, hang out the washing, or even wash the car, and then it rains!!

The Queens' Birthday holiday weekend went well here.  I think my DH and I managed to sleep most of Monday.  I am feeling much more energetic after it, that's for sure.  Didn't do anything special though.  Just stayed around home.  I should have been doing my assignment, but am having trouble getting it all done. 

 The theme question I have chosen is; "By using 2 of the Children's Fantasy books we have studied, explain how the adults are portrayed. Are they good, bad or somewhere in between."  Well, it begs the question, what makes a good or bad adult?  I think that any mature adult will tell you, especially a parent, that none of us can be put entirely in either category! The books I have chosen are "Northern LIghts" by Phillip Pullman.  It has recently been made into a film called "The Golden Compass." The other book is "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe." by CS. Lewis. This also had been made into a film lately.

I think the point I have learnt from this course is that children in the books find adults more of a hindrance than a help, and that the children have very unrealistic expectations of how much an adult is capable of being 'good.'  Teenagers, and those young adults who have yet to have children are especially good at judging their parents and other adults harshly.  It is wonderful to see what a bit of life experience does to them and how suddenly their parents aren't so bad afterall, and might actually know something!

This morning has been a sad morning for alot of people in the district.  A 18 year old young man fell off his motor cycle at a great speed the other night on a quiet country road.  He was wearing a helmet, but no leathers. It happened at around 2.30am but he wasn't found until 7.30am. Alcohol wasn't involved.  He was unconcious, and was flown by helicopter to Townsville. Today there is talk of switching off his life support. My God, this has to be every parent's greatest fear, losing a child.  I can't begin to imagine how this family is feeling. 

My eldest is nearing that age, and today got his first car registered in his own name.  He is absolutely rapt.  My  DH is worried though as my son can't seem to stick to the speed limit to save himself!  Why stay at 60 in a 60 zone when 70-75 is so much more fun!! ARGH!!! My husband finally lost it with him and made him pull over.  My DH explained to my son that not only was what he doing illegal and would lose him points. When he gets his P plates he will  only get 4 points for the first two years.  But speeding is  dangerous because a person, child, or even a dog could run out  in front of him. Or he could have a single vehicle accident. 

The young fellow I was talking about earlier is part of a group of young men, and to a boy they had all been involved in an accident, but this was the first major one.  They are all devastated, it is their first brush with mortality I think.  My husband reckons that when boys are that age, they think they are bullet proof.  Even he did! i just hope that our son takes note of this and is more careful.  I wonder though. I think he thinks he knows better.  I just hope that the lessons he learns don't bring about the kind of  tradegy that has happened this weekend. I don't think I could bear it.

  Anyway, on that rather sombre note, thanks for checking in and having a read.  I hope that you have a good day.  Cheers, jo.

Hi Everyone. 

So there is to be a full inquiry into grocery prices.  Well about time I say.  I can't believe how prices are so high, when I know the actual prices the farmers are getting for their produce when it leaves the farm.    With milk for example, farmers get 49cents a litre, and at our local Woolies, Dairy Farmers 3 litres milk is $4.50.  9 times what the farmers gets.  And as I heard a farmer say on Landline this afternoon, all the big stores do is put it in a fridge and then through the checkout.

I find the economic jargon on the news hard to follow.  I would be grateful if someone explained why we have to have interest rate rises to slow the economy.  Why does it need to slow?  Why does inflation come from a 'hot economy'?  Why is inflation a problem?  Why is it impossible to have full employment and high wages? Why when people are finally getting wages that enable them to save for a house, do rents and mortgages go through the roof.  It makes you want to opt out of it all, which of course you can't as the economy manages our whole lives. 

Anyway, I can only do what I can do.  So in our little household I homecook as much as I can. Especially the evening meals.  The crock pot is getting a good work out.  Tonight we  had "Apricot Chicken"  but without the apricots as my DD15 doesn't like them!  I put leftover Gluten free pasta in it, which broke down into a rice paste and thickened up the gravy.  Everyone loved it, even the DD. I used drumsticks, and there are some left over for school lunches tommorrow.  There is also lots of gravy stuff I can freeze and use again in the future.  I feel like some kind a earth mother I can tell you!  LOL

I got an email from a fellow SSer the other day with heaps of recipes for the crock pot.  100's of recipes.  It even had an index.  This is just one of the reasons my SS memberships is so important to me.  The forum is great and you get an answer to queries about almost everything, and not everything is of a saving nature.  Sometimes it is just life stuff.  Anyway, here is the link for you to have a look if economic life is hitting you hard lately.  Maybe it will give you some hints to help you boost your savings.    http://www.simplesavings.com.au/a.php?a=232790">

Thanks for checking in and having a read.  Bye, Jo.

Hi Everyone,

Today is Sunday and I am feeling more at ease. Still got to bed late, 2am, but didn't wake up until 9.30am.  But went back to bed after a nice healthy breakfast and slept for another couple of hours.  I am now feeling so much better.  More settled and balanced.  It seems so incredible that something so simple as lack of sleep can get me wired so much. 

 I read something about how you have to have at least 7 hours deep sleep a night in order to produce enough serotonin (feel good hormone), which makes what happenned to me make sense.  More good, long episodes of sleep; then I will feel good.  I have to learn better stress control too.  That is what kicked all this off. 

 The meditation I have been practicisign was all that saved me this time, or else I wouldn't have got to sleep at all.  By last night I was really ready to do away with my self. I had to really talk myself out of it.   I felt entirely bereft, and Pete had also been tired and grumpy at times with me, which is not like him, so of course I felt like my world had ended.  Making a mountain out of a mole hill. I mean everyone has grumpy days. 

Anyway, as I said it took alot of talking some sense into myself not to do it.  It was hard as I felt just terrible. Frightened, without hope and so full of pain.  And a failure for feeling terrible after so long, and on so much medication.  That just  made me feel worse. 

But once again, here we are, another day and I am back on an even keel again.  Shit, don't ask me where the sense in it all is, I don't know. All I do know that I am glad to be here, and that really nothing has changed except my attitude to it all!

Thanks for checking in and having a read.  Thanks especially to Max and Chris for your encouragement which I didn't read until just now!  Bye, jo.

Hi Everyone. 

I had my latest visit to our local Mental Health outpatient service today.  I am in the process of updating my recovery and relapse alert plans. 

The recovery plan is just a plan for the next couple of months to secure some new goals.  I have been really well in the last couple of weeks.  This is because of a couple of key things. 

Firstly,I have been methodical with my medication, taking it now first thing in the morning.  Also taking it early in the evening as a result.  Epilim will work best if the dosages are taken 12hours apart.  So it figures why I am feeling better, if I take it properly Duh!   I am also not feeling as tired all day. 

DH has bought me some really good ear plugs which has meant that I am getting really good sleep.  I dont' hear him snoring, or the fruit bats fighting over the mangoes in the trees down the back, and I don't hear any other neighbourhood noise.  I wake up feeling like I have had such a sound sleep. 

I am taking on a few more household duties, but am trying to remind myself to be careful not to cause myself too much stress or I will just get ill again. 

Which brings me to the relapse alert plan. On it I have to put the things that I feel and notice that happen when I am heading towards a mood swing, either up or down.  So heading towards an up would be an increase in irritability, talking lots and in a fast manner, sleeping less and generally feeling energetic.  Heading towards a downer would  be starting to feel more tired and lethargic, my mind slowing and not working very well or quickly.  

The theory is if I can see the mood change coming, I can head it off, be proactive etc.  I can do that by taking stock to see if I can see why my mood is changing. Am I becoming manic because I am staying up too late, or drinking too much caffeine?  Or is there another explanation? For there is what I call a feed back system involved. For example.. sometimes a manic mood swing may cause sleep deprivation, but then sometimes the sleep deprivation causes the mania. 

With depression I can tell because I start to slow right down, and I start to not care.  But again, not taking care of myself and getting stressed care bring on a mood swing, so I have to be aware and in charge of making sure I am stable.  Its that simple.  So that's why you have to take a step back and look and see what the cause could be, and only then can you take the steps to reverse them.

I now only have to go Mental Health every 3 weeks which good.  I have to fill out the relapse and recovery forms and take them back next time.  I have put down becoming more organised in my domestic situation as my main goal.  Getting back to cooking dinner most days, doing more of my share of housework etc.  Getting my daily routine more regular, meal-wise etc.  That will be it for the next 3 months.  Getting my social life back into life gradually too, as I have been really enjoying the limited times I have been out and about.  Loved the wedding a couple of weeks back especially.

So that has been my accomplishments for the day.  Lots to think about.  I have some future plans, but know not to take on too much as it just precipitates a manic episode, and then a major downer after that! And I don't want that.  So slowly, slowly and I will get there.   Thanks for checking in and having a read.  Bye, from Jo.

Joey Johns is a brave man.  On  Channel Nines' "Footy Show' he admitted that he has both a drug problem and a mental illness. Joey has bi polar disorder. 

Formerly called manic depression, bi polar disorder is a mental illness that causes extreme high and low moods.  The highs are called 'mania' and the lows 'depression'. It is a difficult disease to diagnose with the average time taken to diagnose being 10years.  Finding a medication that works for the individual sufferer is even harder.  Different things work for different people. When a sufferer is not properly medicated the mood swings make living very hard not only for them, but those around them.  Mania makes you high.  Happy, excited, sexy, then it takes it to the extreme.  The illness encourages risk taking behaviour in sufferers. , and even psychosis in extreme cases.  Depression follows soon after, making the person's behaviour seem varied and contrary. 

 I have fought my own battle with Bi polar disorder and though I have never resorted to using illegal drugs to make myself feel better, I have also never been offered them. I also wasn't exposed to so much public attention as Joey was.  However in my times of utter despair when nothing else was working for me, if you had offered me drugs, even heroin, I would have taken them- without hesitation. It makes you feel that bad.  

The mania is not much fun either.  Extreme irritability and agitation and anxiety drove me and my family nearly insane many a time. Panic attacks make my life hell, and I felt like I was doing everything wrong, making things worse and I couldnt' seem to stop. Anti-depressants made it worse and Valium then became my friend.  Even then I had to use it pretty sparingly, as it made me mega depressed the next day. Hormone fluctuations made my mood turn.  And any kind of drug, such as the contraceptive pill or even cold and flu tablets interacted with my moods, so I had to be careful.   Even going to the dentist I had to be careful not to have too much anaesthetic or it would tilt my mood to the opposite of the one I was in at the moment.  There were very few periods of just normal, balance mood. 

 Finally I reached a point where it seemed that everything I touched turned bad.  My moods were hurting everyone around me in someway or another.  Even if it was them observing how much I was hurting.  And hurting I was.  I felt like dying.  The temptation to do so was so strong. I am just an ordinary stay at home mum who has never taken drugs, or hurt herself or even drinks or smokes. But  I wanted to cut my arms open and let all the pain out that seemed to be burgening up inside me. I wanted to run away from all the terror inside.  I remember sitting awake at 2am one morning, not being able to get to sleep again, and thinking that I had really reached rock bottom.  I woke up my husband and said that I didn't want to live anymore and I needed help.  I shocked him I think, but next morning he took me off to the local GP who listened to me for about one and half hours while I told her all the reasons why I deserved to die! She put me on some new medication and arranged for my to go to my local mental health outpatients clinic.

  I was terrified.  I thought I would be 'put away' or my kids taken away..!  THe clinic was great.  I had home visits twice a week.  ANd even art therapy.  I had a year with them.  THen an 11 month break, then the drugs I was taking had some bad side effects and I had to change. So am back to weekly visits with Mental Health. I am trying to be as proactive as I can in my recovery. And my family and I have come a long way since then.  But as all of you who read my blog reguarly would know, I  have my moments, and my recovery has been very slow. I am very frustrated by it. But I have hope, most of the time, that I will continue to get better as time goes on. I have learnt alot about bi polar disorder and how this illness both shapes and is shaped by my personality. I see the illness in other family members and wish that they would do something about it for themselves.   I am also learning alot about myself and how I can help my own recovery.  Bi polar disorder isn't the end of the world, but it does change your world.  So be nice to Joey Johns, and don't judge him until/unless you have walked a mile in his shoes.    Jo

I received some great advice from a handout I got from my theraptist this week.  Below is a summary of some of it, and a link to a site with more information.  I hope you all find something in it.  Cheers Jo.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/interpersonal_effectiveness_ha.html

Cheerleading Statements for Interpersonal Effectiveness

• It is OK to want or need something from someone else.
• I have a choice to ask someone for what I want or need.
• I can stand it if I don't get what I want or need.
• The fact that someone says no to my request doesn't mean I should not have asked in the first place.
• If I didn't get my objectives, that doesn't mean I didn't go about it in a skillful way.
• Standing up for myself over "small" things can be just as important as "big" things are to others.
• I can insist on my rights and still be a good person.
• I sometimes have a right to assert myself, even though I may inconvenience others.
• The fact that other people might not be assertive doesn't mean that I shouldn't be.
• I can understand and validate another person, and still ask for what I want.
• There is no law that says other people's opinions are more valid than mine.
• I may want to please people I care about, but I don't have to please them all the time.
• Giving, giving, giving, is not the be-all of life. I am an important person in this world, too.
• If I refuse to do a favor for people, that doesn't mean I don't like them. They will probably understand that too.
• I am under no obligation to say yes to people simply because they ask a favor of me.
• The fact that I say no to someone does not make me a selfish person.
• If I say no to people, and they get angry, that does not mean that I should have said yes.
• I can still feel good about myself, even though someone else is annoyed with me.

Marion Keynes' Latest Email Newsletter

Huge apologies for last months let down! Much has happened! Yes, mes amies, I am so so sorry for not doing me blog last month and thank you to all of you – God, there were millions – who wrote in with messages of sympathy and absolution, but I will explain what happened. I’ll start at the beginning of May, outlining all the highlights, including my interesting and ongoing illhealth and bring you right up to date. Okay, at the start of May, we went to EuroDisney. I will list the cast members: me, Himself, Mam, Dad, Rita-Anne, Jimmy, Caitríona and Seán (who had come from New York) and Ema (7), Luka (5) and Ljiljana (not exactly sure, something in her 30s) who had come from Prague. I had worked round the clock before we went in the hope that I’d be finished the first draft of This Charming Man and therefore would be able to kick up my heels with great relief in the company of Minnie Mouse, Tigger etc but sadly it was not to be. A small but challenging portion remained to be still written and hung over me like a guilt-making, anxious-making cloud as we boarded the Minnie Mouse Express. But never mind! Have you ever been to any of the Disney Places? Now, I wouldn’t blame you for curling your lip in a sneer and saying, ‘You’d never catch me in any of them places. It’s nothing but a money-making exercise!’ Well, I agree with you that it probably IS a money-making exercise but not JUST a money-making exercise because it’s GORGEOUS. It was Ema’s 7th birthday the day we went and we had such a lovely time. There were a few hairy moments when Dad overdid it on the teacups and got ‘a reel in the head’ (Irish phrase meaning ‘dizzy’) and had to be lead away, weaving all over Main Street USA, bumping into small children and knocking their Mickey Mouse ears off their heads and he had to be reinstated in his hotel room by my mother. It was her I felt for really because she’d got a gleam in her eye and had fashioned plans for the Aerosmith ride which now came to naught. And speaking of which, if you go, the Aerosmith ride is just TOO funny. It’s a rollercoaster, like other rollercoasters, except that they play Aerosmith songs, so there you are doing loop-de-loops and hanging upside down and singing ‘Walk this way’ and doing the ‘nerdiddynerdiddyner’ guitar bit. Another hairy moment when on ‘The Cars’ ride (or indeed ‘Les Voitures’) when I got chastised by an outraged Disney employee as I flicked the Vs at Himself, as Ema and I drove past Luka and Himself. Then we went to Paris! Yes, for 2 days! Where Niall (father of Ema and Luka) joined us and the thing was, and none of us knew it, but Seán Ferguson had planned to ask Caitríona to marry him! Yes! In Paris! How romantic! But everything conspired against him. She got a sore throat (oh yes, she is a Keyes, no doubt about it) and ‘refused’ to go out in the cold for a romantic walk, where he had planned to find an ultra-romantic spot to ‘pop the question’. So he shelved his plans until after dinner that evening. But guess what! We put on the news and there was a big newsflash saying, ‘40,000 rioters expected in Central Paris this evening!’ Because of the election, you see? That right-wing bloke Sarkovy or whatever his name is had been elected instead of the lovely Socialist WOMAN and people – specifically the Algerian-descended youths in the outer suburbs whom Sarpoxy had called ‘scum’ - were flooding into the Champs Elysee to demonstrate their displeasure. As it happened, we were staying 2 feet from the Champs Elysee and the restaurant we were going to for our dinner was approx 18 inches from the Champs Elysee. As we went out for dinner, the fuss was beginning, but as we emerged, preparations for the riot were in full flow. Millions of riot police EVERYWHERE and the sounds of shouting and general chaos. I love the French so I do: if they’re not striking, they’re rioting. As a nation, they really care about things. At this stage Seán Ferguson was a sweaty wreck but nothing would divert him from his plan, so somehow – and God knows how exactly he managed it – he persuaded Caitríona to go down to the Seine. Himself turned to me, extended a gentlemanly arm and said, ‘Care to take a stroll up to view the riots?’ Well, being an old lefty, as indeed Himself is, I couldn’t think of anything nicer. Sadly we couldn’t get very close, what with barriers and armed police and all that, but as luck would have it, we were standing outside the very apartment block where Sarpoxy was having his celebratory dinner (‘May it choke him’. Irish phrase meaning, ‘Well, yes, I hope some of your dinner gets lodged in your oesophagus because I don’t like you,’) and there were 4 million television cameras waiting outside, so we waited too and every time one of the citizens of the building came down to put out his bin or leave a note for the milkman or give his dog his last walk of the evening, the crowd thought it was the right-winger and alternately cheered and booed (me and Himself booed of course. I also shouted, ‘Shame on you, you smelly right-winger. You can’t go round calling people ‘scum’ then refusing to apologise for it. Also it is so VERY WRONG to wear a double-breasted blazer with jeans.’) So by the time we got back to the hotel, the deed was done, the question had been popped, the answer had been in the affirmative, a ring had been produced, the most beautiful diamond, very very pretty, very Caitríona, and they were all sitting in the lobby of the hotel drinking champagne! Fantastic. It was a night sprinkled in stardust and special thanks has to go to Michael Fitzgerald in New York, who gave Seán Ferguson the diamond at a very reasonable price. So after all that excitement, we all left France and returned to our respective homes and I worked and worked and worked and worked and worked and worked on the book. I started early in the am and worked all day, then after dinner went back to work and finally I finished the first draft 2 days before I was due to go to Sweden. (I’m not looking for praise here, simply setting the scene.) Now, I will admit I was afraid I would come down with my old trouble, the virus-style lurgy, but my body, wily type that it is, had a surprise in store for me – yes, a MASSIVE cold-sore on my chin, I’m talking massive, the whole chin area, weeping and crusty and so indescribly unsightly, accompanied by – God, the grossness – an infection in my nose which swelled one side of my nose up to 20 times its normal size and was so red that I was caused traffic confusion. (Cars stopping when they were allowed to go.) I looked like a troll and Doctor Murphy prescribed antibiotics and a paper bag to wear on my head. Throw into the mix a mouthful of ulcers, two handfuls of hangnails and torn, bleeding skin and that fact that I suddenly aged 20 years overnight and I wasn’t the best ambassador for my books heading off to Stockholm. (I enclose a picture, also featuring my ‘jacket of many buttons’ which I wrote about in April and many of you said you’d like to see it.) Although have you been to Stockholm? It’s astonishingly beautiful and impressive. And very, very clean. And the people are fantastic – they’re very decent and fair and friendly and EVERYONE I met was wonderful to me, even though I sometimes removed my paper bag from my head. More than a million copies of my books have been sold in Sweden and 55,000 copies of the new hardback. I am so very grateful to you all. I felt accepted and loved, despite my face. Everyone I met seemed to be planning to head off to the Swedish archipelago for the Summer and it filled me with a jealous obsession to find a nice simple (mirror-free) cabin by a lakeside or in a forest, with no cars and quietness all around, but although I’ve been scouring the internet, all cabins fitting that description are fully booked for the rest of the Summer. Now, I’m not complaining here, but my schedule in Stockholm could be described as ‘gruelling.’ I mean I was there to work, so I haven’t a leg to stand on, but – and really I’m not complaining – it was relentless. Very early starts, evening events and in between there were no breaks, it was interview after interview after interview, sometimes with a wretched bloody photographer who’d take me outside and make me walk up and down steps on trembling legs as he (oh, yes, it was always a ‘he’) looked for his best shot. In order to celebrate the fact that I was having my photo taken many times, also being on telly, a selection of pustules and medieval-style boils erupted on my face, to keep the massive cold-sore and the troll-nose company. And no matter how much make-up I plastered on, my grey exhausted face continued to resurface. Plus, I was also ‘tailed’ by a journalist, who shackled herself to me for an entire day, from waking to bedtime, so I had to pretend to be in good form all the time. There were many lovely moments though. Thank you to the courageous woman who stole me a rondellhund from her local roundabout and presented it to me. I’m sorry you got into trouble (she’d been spotted nicking it and got reported) but I hope Norstedts have returned it, because Emma and Linnea, the artists, missed it very much. (The plan had been that Norstedts, my publishers would post it to me and I would ‘plant’ it in my local roundabout and hopefully start the rondellhund craze (roundabout dog) in Ireland. Alas it was not to be.) On my last night in Stockholm I went for dinner with several lovely people who work in the book world and who have supported my books over the years but I suddenly found myself unable to speak. I think I must have used up all my words in the interviews because I was hearing people’s questions down a long echoey tunnel. “Where do you get your IDEAS FROM? FROM? From? From? Fromfromfromfromfromfromfrom? FROM? FROM? FROM? FROM?” It was really weird. I was trying to formulate answers and I couldn’t remember the words for things and it was like the word gearbox in my brain had jammed. It was horrific and people were looking at me like I was a right oddball and I was desperately hoping that something dramatic would happen like flames would come out of my ears or that I’d suddenly start speaking a strange gutteral language in a Beelzebub-style growl, and then perhaps they’d realise something was wrong with me and they might allow me to go home to bed. But all I could do was stare at them desperately and wish the right words would land on my tongue. Anyway, when I got back to Ireland I thought things would get better but they got worse. I began stumbling and falling and dropping things and misjudging distances. One evening the thought crossed my mind that I needed to have a smear test – never a pleasant consideration - and the next thing I got ‘a reel in the head’ and found myself lying on the floor. So that, my loyal amigos, is the reason that I didn’t do a May blog. All I wanted to do was run away to a small cabin beside a peaceful lake in Sweden and carve rough-hewn rondellhundar and salt my own herrings but instead I had to go to Englandland. Although it was for a lovely reason, it was to meet the newest of the nephews, Gabe, brother of Jude, son of Chris and Caron. Lovely Jude is almost two and a half now, and is a very sweet child and from when he was 3 days old, he was the LIVING IMAGE of his Dad. Gabe, however is a different kettle of fish entirely and it never ceases to amaze me that the same gene-pool can produce children who look so different. Jude is dark-eyed and dark-haired and very very pretty. But Gabe, even at 5 weeks is the LIVING IMAGE of Ross Kemp (Grant in Eastenders) – really bright blue eyes – although they might change – and a bald head and a solid, sure presence and already he was smiling! At least he was at me. (Smug.) Then off to London for the Orange Prize. In fairness, this is one of the things in my life that I’m most proud of, to have been a part of that. The night before the ceremony, the 6 shortlisted authors (except for Anne Tyler who is a recluse) read from their books and they were brilliant. All of the 6 books are fantastic and very diverse and I was so proud that we’d picked such good ones that I cried. (Mind you, I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat anyway.) Then the 5 judges (I was one) were ‘whisked’ away from the reading and incarcerated in a room in Soho House and told we wouldn’t be let out until we’d picked a winner. It took us until midnight, but that was grand because it wouldn’t have felt right to not have given each of the books a thorough examination. Then – the worst bit – we had to take a vow of silence until it was announced at the fancy shindig the following night and although I had no intention of telling anyone, I was terrified when I was doing interviews about it on telly that following day that I would be seized by a Tourettes-style, irresistible urge and I’d suddenly shout out, “It’s Half of Yellow Sun!!!Yes!! It is!! That’s the winner!!!!” Then back to Ireland – with AnneMarie and baby Jack who is now five months old. I hadn’t seen him in a couple of months and AnneMarie had assured me that he was a lovely baby, very good-humoured, hardly ever cried but secretly I thought, ‘Me arse.’ Everyone says that about their babies. And although I was delighted they were coming to stay I was wondering how my already beleagured Central Nervous System was going to cope with a shrieking baby in the house. I’d been hoping for a little bit of peace and quiet for the 4 days before I went to South Africa. But as it transpired, AnneMarie wasn’t lying!!! Jack Scanlon is – and my apologies to other friends and family who have babies – one of the nicest, most good-humoured fellas I’ve ever met. He’d laugh at ANYTHING. Which is very gratifying. And in the 4 days I had with him between coming home from London and leaving for Johannesburg, I’m convinced he did me more good than a whole month spent salting my own herrings in a small, quiet, mirrorless cabin beside a lake in Sweden. I lost several hours lying beside him doing fake coughs (he finds it unceasingly hilarious) and singing him songs about how shaming it is to have to go on telly when you’ve a massive cold sore covering your entire chin. He really is a DOTE. Then on June 10th, we sadly took our leave of Jack (oh, yes and AnneMarie, of course) and flew to Johannesburg. This was my third visit to South Africa and the best so far. I’d like to thank all of you, so many who turned out in droves, literally hundreds, for all my events. You welcomed me so warmly and it was a huge, HUGE pleasure. (If you are ever going to Johannesburg, try and stay in The Grace, it’s such an excellent hotel, small and friendly and you get many free things, like fruit and canapes at 5 o clock and free afternoon tea and other wonderful things.) News reached me on June 13th that I’d won the Melissa Nathan Award for Comedy Romance. Melissa Nathan, some of you may know, was a very clever, funny writer who died last year from cancer at the outrageously young age of 39 and this was the inaugural year. I was so THRILLED to win and GUTTED not to be there to get the trophy and the honour and the glory. Then on to Capetown for the Book Fair, for more thronged events. It’s not fair for me to single out any one event because I felt so welcomed and appreciated at all of them, but I was overwhelmed by the reception I got at the Fairlady Brunch at the Table Bay Hotel. 200 people (with another 200 turned away – I’m sorry!) and the whole thing was so feelgood and such a laugh! It was such a pleasure for me and thank you all so much for coming. I had a couple more dodgy episodes in Cape Town, where I stopped being able to speak, also I continued to look ancient, easily 94 and a half and I had many, many lapses from my sugar-free state. However, there was one bonus. I discovered this fabulous product from Sisley. (I have often written in the past about my great love of Sisley skin-care and how their wondrous Global Anti-Age is the only ‘super-cream’ that I will hand over hard cash for.) This lovely yoke is called Phyto-touche Or (that is French for ‘golden dry oil’) and it’s for EVERYTHING – your body, your face, your hair. A great perker-upper. So it meant that I could dispense with having to apply fake tan every night and having to dance around for 20 minutes in my pelt to dry myself before going to bed. Also it neutralised the worst of the ashen greyness on my fizzog. All in all it gave me a bit of much-needed sparkle. After Capetown we went to Tanzania for a few days to see the animals (yes, I am a lucky cow). First we stayed in a fantastic tent (by fantastic, I mean it has a proper jacks!) beside a river which was riddled, yes RIDDLED with hippos and they kept making these fantastic gawking, belchy noises, the type that Himself says I make if I’ve just drunk an entire litre of diet coke in one go, a litre that had been standing in the hot sun for a while. Spectacular! Like being possessed be the divil. Then we went to the most fabulous place on earth. The Ngorongoro Crater Lodge. It’s like a magic mountain kingdom, which looks down on the floor of the Crater hundreds of feet below, which is a bit like what I imagine the Garden of Eden would have been like if it had ever existed. (None of that literal interpretation of the bible for me! Ho, no!) Lions and elephants and warthogs and cheetahs and hyenas and jackals and pink flamingos and hippos and pelicans and much, much more. No giraffes though, because the sides of the crater are too steep for their delicate legs. The Lodge is the most incredible, most romantic place ever, huge, vaulted, triple-height ceilings made from banana leaves, hung with elaborate crystal chandeliers. Claw-foot baths and tree-trunks in your room and everything so beautiful and the staff the most obliging, kindly types ever. (Also, fyi, it’s run by CC Africa, who are commited to ethical, eco-good stuff. What I liked was that the staff are all Tanzanian. So often in these places, the lowly jobs are given to the indigenous people but the managerial posts are given to some whitey from far away.) Just one word of advice, because the altitude is so high, it’s cold. Bring a ganzee. (‘Ganzee’ Irish word meaning, jumper, fleece, sweater, gilet, poncho etc.) Now we are back home in Ireland and I’m on my way over to Doctor Murphy – plus ça change, mes amies - because I managed to get some stomach bug on my travels and the over-the-counter anti-puking stuff is defeated by the specialness of whatever is wrong with me. I have puked with such gusto that I’ve pulled a muscle in my oesophagus and it keeps twanging away good-oh inside of me like a plucked guitar string. (I am not exaggerating.) So there we are. Once again, sorry for letting you down so heinously last month and sorry about all the whinging I’ve done this month. I intend to spend July working away without drama, editing and finetuning the book and taking strong doses of Vitamin B and I have high hopes that I will be restored to funniness and non-whineiness by next month. Thank you again for all your kindness and patience and I hope all is well with you.

 Lots of love Marian